I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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