when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize