This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
