Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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