im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
