how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This is my gift to your gina
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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