Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize