If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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