@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
