two words: eviction party
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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