Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
