The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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