you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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