every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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