I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
