proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
In America we eat man semen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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