3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
