I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
