News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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