I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sponge bath it is.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
