OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
