im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
