Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
