I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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