my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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