I met the friendliest cop last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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