today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
