I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
