Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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