I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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