Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
