I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
