I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
