I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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