i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
