Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
