You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
