I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
