I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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