the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Text me some of your sweat
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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