I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
