Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
