mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
