my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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