You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
