Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
