the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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