how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
