I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
