My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
