You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
