im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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