My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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