If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
