My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
